Seerah: Season 2, Episode 6 of My Life as an Ansari

Learning about my beloved Messenger, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him

Here is Season 2, Episode 6 of this article series — the story of my personal experiences and struggles as I became an Ansari (Helper) of Gazan refugees (Muhajireen). List of all episodes can be found here.

---

Allah says in the Quran, in an ayah that is rich with meaning and challenging to interpret into a brief, single-dimensional translation, something along the lines of:

“The Prophet is more worthy of the believers than themselves…” [Surah Ahzab, Ayah 6]

Or, the way another translator attempts to convey the meaning:

“The Prophet has a stronger affinity to the believers than they do themselves…” [Surah Ahzab, Ayah 6]

And our Prophet Muhammad, may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, is himself reported to have said:

None of you will have faith till he loves me more than his parents, his children and all mankind. [Sahih Bukhari: 15]

I choose to love my Prophet Muhammad, may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, more than myself, my parents, the creature comforts of my life and everything I have. May Allah forgive any shortcomings in my love, and guide me to come closer and closer to Allah by following His Messenger (PBUH = may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) more and more closely.

The thing is, you can’t really love someone you don’t know. And you want to know more and more about someone you love. Following the sunnah (i.e. example) of our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is obviously foundational to being a Muslim. And learning about the Seerah, i.e. the life and times, of the Prophet (PBUH) is paramount to loving him more and more.

Over the past few years, I’ve been listening and re-listening to an amazing lecture series on YouTube that academically walks through the entire Seerah (i.e. life and times of the Prophet PBUH) in delicious detail, over ~100 lectures. Experience the Seerah like never before — I heavily recommend this unparalleled coverage of the Seerah by the awesome Sheikh Dr Yasir Qadhi:

Around August 2024, I was chronologically re-listening to the Seerah lectures above, and was roughly around Part 70 or so (discussing the 7th year after Hijrah — Khaibar, ‘Umrah al-Qada, etc). And Allah helped me make connections between what I was listening to of the Seerah, and the ongoing events in my life as an Ansari.

---

It dawned on me. Around mid-August, soon after the recent scare with my brother in Gaza, I realized something at long last. Maybe I realized it while texting my brother in Gaza one time, or perhaps it finally just clicked in my head randomly. The fact that I had been … grossly underestimating the language barrier between myself and my brother in Gaza. That his English was really not as strong as I had assumed.

Considering his previous messages, it seemed clear that he had most likely been using Google Translate to translate his thoughts from Arabic into English. Which was fine, of course, and common in my experience with texting Gazans online. Looking back at one of the longest messages he had ever sent me, the account of the house next to them being bombed at Eid, it seemed clear that it was almost certainly a translation, probably from Google Translate.

This was more massive of a realization than I might have perceived at first. As someone with a good command of English, Alhamdulillah, I am used to interacting with non-native English speakers and gauging their level of vocabulary. This is a critical piece of data that I naturally pick up on — to an extent, I partially judge people based on their vocabulary (of their native language). How on earth had I possibly missed picking up on this huge language barrier with my brother in Gaza? I feel it was unusual for my natural, internal gauge on this matter to be so far off.

This might also be a partial explanation for why, just days ago, he had not responded immediately to my messages during the days-long incident of me not hearing back from him after the occupation army had threatened to enter his camp. Maybe he had seen my messages, but due to the language barrier, maybe he hadn’t understood the urgency of my panic, how concerned I had felt at the lack of further news from his end. The language gap seemed significant enough that perhaps he really might have missed the extent of my worry. Perhaps.

From that time onwards, I increasingly began texting him in Arabic. His English wasn’t completely non-existent, so at times I’d text in English as well, which was easier and faster for me. But especially for more important messages, I knew now to stick to Arabic. And he texted back in Arabic, too

My Arabic typing has definitely improved.

---

Only in following Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lies success. His Sunnah (example) is Wisdom, the path to success in this life and the next. Salvation can never be achieved by turning away from his teachings; may Allah protect us from going off the Straight Path. The entire life of our beloved Prophet (PBUH), his mission of propagating submission to God, of teaching mankind that Allah is Our Highest Boss, that our ultimate loyalties must be to Him Alone — we Muslims must embody and live and promulgate this Message of Islam.

In my activism for Gaza, I know that I have been imperfect in following the ideal example of the Prophet PBUH, in terms of being balanced and not burning myself out, in terms of striving in the Path of Allah. In terms of staying close and connected to Allah, in terms of charging myself spiritually, in terms of smartly building myself. I may have been imperfect, but I love Allah and His Messenger PBUH, and I am trying to improve and follow the Messenger (PBUH) better.

Looking back, maybe I needed to stop and reflect on why I was repeatedly failing to find balance in my activism for Gaza and burning myself out. To stop and gain knowledge, to turn to the Sunnah for answers. What would the Prophet (PBUH) have done in such a situation, would have been a wise question to ask myself. Unfortunately around that time of mid-August 2024, I didn’t seem to stop and take some time to reflect and improve. I pushed forward with my daily, frantic activism of Gaza, only very slowly learning and forming boundaries that helped keep out doomscrolling triggers.

I was still quite stressed on a daily basis. Psycho-somatic symptoms like accelerated hair loss continued. My all-over-the-place activism for Gaza was now largely composed of compulsively replying to text messages with various Ansar and Gazan muhajirs/refugees, at any time of the day, all day long without restraint, plus sharing awareness on Substack (my WhatsApp Status updates were declining around this point).

Though as for doomscrolling Gaza news on social media, that was much more controlled now, Alhamdulillah, with the help of growing boundaries in place. The Substack app, as with most other social media apps, was not installed on my phone. I used the mobile web version of Substack and other social media apps — less accessible, less addicting. I ran timers on my phone when using social media websites, to help catch myself when I was spending too much time down the rabbit hole.

And I learned a neat trick online: I kept my phone’s screen on grayscale. Yep. Black and white, no colors. Even when playing most videos. Apparently this is supposed to make the phone less addicting. And you know what, up until today I mostly keep my phone’s screen on grayscale mode. It helps.

---

Bombs from above and starvation from below. At the time of writing this, the situation in Gaza is horrific almost beyond our imagination, and getting worse by the hour.

I pray for Gaza to the One Who sent down Surah Quraysh:

ٱلَّذِىٓ أَطْعَمَهُم مِّن جُوعٍۢ وَءَامَنَهُم مِّنْ خَوْفٍۭ

“…Who has fed them against hunger and made them secure against fear.” (Surah Quraysh, Ayah 4)

O the One Who fed the Quraysh against hunger and made them secure against fear! We pray to You, with belief in Your Love and Mercy, to feed our brothers and sisters in Gaza against hunger, and to make them secure against fear. Ya Allah 🤲

Yet making dua without taking actions that we can take, is not okay. Allah wants us to do our best, while putting our trust in Him and knowing that all good comes from Him.

Please donate. Share donation links to your friends and contacts. Concrete fundraising is needed. Our brothers and sisters are being starved right now.

I personally endorse Olive You (the new name for Egyptians For Palestinians) (their Instagram | Donation link) and have been supporting Relief 4 Palestine too (their Instagram | Donation link). Please, please give noww. Share these links; lives can be saved, bi idhnillah. Jazak Allah khair.

---

Out of nowhere, one night in mid-August, my brother in Cairo sent me a picture of the rubble of an utterly demolished and decimated masjid (mosque). Our masjid, he texted me. He said he had taken that photo while he had been in Gaza.

I told him I couldn’t imagine how difficult it must have been for him to see that, with all his memories in that masjid, and that may Allah reward them (for their patience). He told me that, to be honest, he had been crying a lot over the last few months.

We lost everything, he said. Alhamdulillah.

He still thanked Allah, as we always should thank Allah for His uncountable blessings on us. May Allah bless him and reward him for his patience.

He texted me something along the lines of: Alone. Injured. Away from my family. I can’t travel out of Cairo. I can’t go back. In the end, I need to be stronger.

I reassured him that Allah was with him. And that after Allah, I was with him. He was not alone.

He thanked me. And he said, I wish for good life.

I reassured him that better days were coming, In Sha Allah. I said that if Allah is all you have, you have all you need. And my brother in Cairo agreed that Allah was enough for him.

I asked him if he had any news about his family in Gaza; he replied that about some of them he knew, and about the rest he had no idea, but he prayed to Allah that they were okay.

The next morning after this conversation, I listened to this episode of the Seerah, about Umrah al-Qadah in the year 7 AH, when the Prophet (PBUH) and his companions finally performed umrah (pilgrimage) the year after the Treaty of Hudaibiyah was signed. How did the Prophet (PBUH) feel during those few days of being back in Makkah after almost 7 years of exile, back in the beloved city where he had spent most of his life? He (PBUH) might have felt emotional upon finally seeing the ka’bah again, seeing the familiar valleys of Makkah, and maybe even seeing the houses of Khadijah (RA) and Abu Talib. May Allah bless him and give him peace.

I thought about my brother in Cairo, and how painful it must have been to see his beloved home city reduced to rubble in front of his eyes. May Allah reward him for his patience.

---

I was listening to this part in the Seerah lecture series about the return of Ja’far (RA = Radi Allahu ‘Anhu = may Allah be pleased with him) to the Prophet (PBUH) after years and years of separation. The beloved cousin of the Prophet PBUH, Ja’far (RA), reuniting with him. And our beloved Prophet (PBUH) was so, so happy at seeing him again.

It was heart-warming to hear about this part in the Seerah, about the reunion and the brotherly relationship between our Prophet (PBUH) and Ja’far (RA). Given that I had just recently come out of the days-long incident of fearing for the life of my brother in Gaza, listening to this part in the Seerah made me think of my brother in Gaza. When, In Sha Allah, would my reunion with my brother in Gaza be? Well, reunion wasn’t the right word — not only had we never met, we’d never even had a voice call. When, In Sha Allah, would I get to meet him in person?

To be clear, Ja’far (RA) made me happier than my brother in Gaza ever could — meeting with my brother in Gaza would have given happiness only to me, but the reunion with Ja’far (RA) brought happiness to the beloved of my life, Prophet Muhammad PBUH, which is far more precious to me. May Allah bless Prophet Muhamad (PBUH) and give him peace.

---

I asked my brother in Cairo about the progress on his house hunt, and he said that he was going to rent a place with someone from Gaza, in a city around 100km away from his current place.

A few days later, he texted me that he was going to see the new apartment, and that he hoped it would be in a good place and around good people. I prayed for him, and asked if he was okay with moving outside of Cairo. He said, to be honest, no, but he had to live with someone, and apartments in Cairo were expensive. If he found someone to share rent with, it might be affordable, but it was hard to find a Gazan living by themselves and able to share rent.

I prayed for him. And I told him I’d ask Hafsah again; she had said she knew some people living alone. My brother in Cairo told me that it was his last week in his current apartment.

Hafsah got back to my message, saying that that week they were doing a gathering where my brother in Cairo could meet some Gazans; hopefully he could find a flatmate there. She said she’d post on social media again for my brother in Cairo.

I got back to my brother in Cairo about this. He was aware and was planning to go to that event. And he updated me that the other place around 100 km away from his current city was no longer an option — it seemed the guy had changed the deal at the last minute and increased the price. He was still looking around.

I checked again with the Ansar for any leads on affordable accommodation for my brother in Cairo. Nothing found. And I also updated my brother in Cairo after I had checked with Karima, that unfortunately Karima had also been unable to find anything.

My brother in Cairo reaffirmed to me, perhaps reassuring himself as he was reassuring me, that Allah would continue to be with us.

---

Up until mid-August 2024, I had still been managing to hang on to my streak of improved daily routine. I had been successfully forcing myself to stick to a basic regimen of light exercise in the mornings — as much as my not-fully-healing wrist would allow. I had been still eating somewhat better, Alhamdulillah. And a big part of it had also been not being neglectful with my sleep, and actually managing to sleep on time. I had kept going, but around mid-August 2024, cracks were starting to appear in these streaks.

I was starting to slack off. No longer was I incrementally gaining weight and inching away from being very underweight. Maybe the increased workload from my day job contributed to the strain on my discipline. And, of course, there was my haphazard texting about Gaza and my more limited but still existent doomscrolling. A stumble or two, a day or two of skipping those good habits, and I would go hard on myself, taking a hit to my self-esteem.

[Content warning for the following two paragraphs describing a massacre in Gaza; you can skip it without impacting your understanding of the rest.]

Around that time, for example, one morning around Fajr I picked up my phone, got sucked down the rabbit hole and came across news of the Tabeen School massacre — where it was reported that Israel had bombed a school full of refugees with such explosive force (with those bombs probably paid for using American taxpayers’ money) that not a single full body was recovered. People like you and me, blown to bits. Just because.

The news obviously made me sad and upset, to say the least. And I thought something like, I’m not crazy for feeling this way. This isn’t normal, this isn’t okay. Our brothers and sisters. This really is horrific. Within minutes, I came across

Caitlin Johnstone

’s article on this incident of mass murder, called “Another Massacre”, where she highlights that we shouldn’t get desensitized to such calamities. Unfortunately, this painful subject became a short-term anxiety trigger for me, my body felt full of inflammation, and I felt some of my usual psycho-somatic symptoms of stress.

Such doomscrolling and undisciplined, random exposures to horrifying news kept knocking me down. Obviously, this lack of impulse control, this haphazard over-consumption of content, is not the Sunnah way to go about things. To serve Allah with wisdom. To stop hurting myself, much less to help others effectively, and to maximize my impact.

May Allah forgive my lapses. May Allah bless and guide us all to keep striving to follow the Sunnah more and more closely.

To be continued, In Sha Allah, in Season 2, Episode 7: Finances

---